The costs of getting a divorce are staggering and can cripple you financially. It could be years before you get back on your feet.

When we think of the cost of divorce, the financial picture can look as ugly as the divorce itself. But it’s not just the money that is the issue. There’s another kind of cost that is equally staggering and devastating.

That cost is the emotional cost and the toll on individuals who divorce. No wonder many of them come out of a divorce 100% different. Their sentiments and attitudes have taken a 360 degree turn so when they finally leave the courtroom or their lawyer’s offices, they can’t begin to comprehend what truly hit them.

Cost of Divorce

The Emotional Aspect:

Going through a divorce can drastically transform you. Focusing on the divorce itself tends to make us overlook the few years leading up to the divorce. Your emotions may be in a state of exhaustion and confusion. You’ve tried your best not to go through the divorce, consulted with marriage counselors, but to no avail. At the point you need to conserve the little emotions that you have, because sadly, it’s all you’ve got to try to build on from scratch. Staying in the marriage will only deprive you of that tiny, tiny chance at finding happiness again.

Children are also affected emotionally.

It is important that parents have a clear idea of what exactly the psychological effects of divorce on their children may be. They can then make a sound decision about divorce and work throughout divorce to minimize or avoid them altogether.
Before looking at the emotional effects of divorce on children, remember:

• They are potential effects
• Some apply to certain age groups more than others.
• The likelihood and extent of these emotional effects depends on a number of factors, almost all of which are within your control.

So what are the emotional effects of divorce on children? Children may experience a wide range of emotions, some of which may be new and therefore doubly distressing.

Insecure and afraid of the future. The many and often unavoidable changes that accompany divorce can undermine a child’s sense of security and make them fearful of the future – about “what’s next?” Will we be poor, will we have enough to eat, will I have to go to a new school, will I lose my pet rabbit, will I still see my friends? In short, they will fret about all the things that are important in their world.

Rejected. Children of divorce may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who has left. This makes little sense until we remember that children perceive themselves as the center of the universe. Therefore, everything that happens must have something to do with them.

At fault. For the same reason, children may believe the divorce is their fault, caused by something they said or did, or just the way they are, and feel a deep sense of guilt and shame. Even difficult teens may be afraid that their behavior has contributed to the divorce and made it easier for a parent to leave.

Powerless. Children who feel responsible for problems between parents tend to believe they can also fix things. They may go to great lengths to be a “better child” – a more helpful and appealing child – or believe they have the power to “wish” their parents back together again. When this doesn’t happen – when their often elaborate plans and hopes for reconciliation fail – children feel powerless and upset that they cannot make a difference.

Torn in two. The most damaging effect of divorce on children is the emotional trauma caused by parents who fight or belittle each other in front of their children. Children feel expected to take sides but cannot do this without being disloyal to the other parent. However, by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both. They are trapped in a no-win situation where it is “wrong” to love both parents.

Sad. Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, believing that the absent parent has gone forever and that they no longer have a family – a way of life is at an end. Their feelings mirror those of children who really have lost a parent forever, to accident or illness. However, they are often underestimated or overlooked so that children of divorce do not receive the same kind of support. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.

Stressed. During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough. For instance, they may volunteer to take on extra duties at home or be burdened with extra responsibilities like it or not. They may also be used as a confidante and advisor by one or both parents, a role that even teens are not qualified for or comfortable with. Eager to help out and seem “grown up,” they may hide how stressed they really are.

Lonely. Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. The parent at home may be so wrapped up in their own problems that they are not available to their children. Circumstances may have cut them off from their usual playmates. Children may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn.

Angry. Anger is a common emotional effect of divorce caused by lack of understanding or acceptance of the divorce, specific events and changes, emotions that children are not equipped to manage or express, and so on. Children do not always show their anger. It is more common when divorce brings a low-conflict marriage to an end because the reasons for the divorce are not so obvious. Children resent their parents for doing something that in their view is unnecessary.

Depressed. Depression is not a direct emotional effect of divorce but a “second stage” emotion following on from one or several emotions linked to divorce. For instance, sadness, loneliness, feeling rejected. Depression is a sign that children have not received the support they need to cope with these emotions.

The Financial Aspect:

Before you file your divorce, talk to people who have filed for divorce in the past. Talk to family members and friends. Look on our forum and talk to other people on our blogs, and find out how much their divorce set them back financially. When they tell you the numbers, you may want to re-consider.

If you are absolutely sure that you want to divorce, the cheapest way is the do-it-yourself. This may not always be the best option for you especially if property and children are involved. And if you haven’t done any homework, there’s a chance you could end up loosing a lot in your divorce. If your spouse is more knowledgeable than you about issues such as alimony, child support and division of marital assets, you might not be getting your just part of the bargain.

Collaborative divorce is another alternative. This is the where your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer try to finalize the divorce.

On the topic of monetary costs we shall start with the legal fee involved.

Lawyers charge on an hourly basis, on a retainer basis or per package. Keep in mind that if you choose to pay on retainer basis, a written retainer agreement must be drawn up.

CAUTION: If the retainer agreement stipulates surrendering title to your house or substantial cash assets for failure to pay legal fees, do NOT sign the retainer agreement! In other words, don’t give up anything you CAN’T afford to lose.

The other costs you might need to consider may include the following:

Your properties: the properties and assets acquired during the marriage may now only represent 50% of their original value to you. If the divorce agreement calls for a 50-50 split, you automatically lose 50% of the total value.

Personal effects like furniture, clothes, knick knacks, collectibles and cars are usually evaluated on a “garage sale” basis, so you and your spouse can agree who gets what.

Something else to know is that usually the spouse with primary custody usually stays in the house with the children; or if the house is no longer affordable to either spouse, you can both decide to sell it and split the proceeds equally.

Depending on who gets to keep the house, the following might have to be included into the cost equation:

• Mortgage and interest payments
• Maintenance costs
• School and water taxes
• Property taxes
• Insurance

You may also want to ask your lawyer how each spouse’s retirement plans, 401(k) plans and other pension benefits and plans should be divided.

Children’s expenses: tuition, medical and health bills, recreational activities, baby sitters, special care, vacations and other expenses.

Children are also affected emotionally.

It is crucial that parents have a clear idea of what psychological effects the divorce can have on their children. This will help reduce the effects or even avoid the effects your divorce can have on your children

Before looking at the emotional effects of divorce on children, remember:

• They are potential effects
• The extent of these emotional effects depends on different factors
• Some apply to certain age groups more than others.

Insecure and afraid of the future. During a divorce, a child’s sense of security can be undermined and that child can be fearful of the future. They do not know what the future might hold for them, they might wonder what they will loose i.e. friends, relatives etc.

Fear of being abandoned. Children may be deeply afraid that the other parent is going to “disappear” too and leave them alone in the world.

Rejected. Children witnessing the divorce of their parents may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who has left.

At fault. Depending on the age of the child, the child might think that the divorce is their fault.

Torn in two. During a divorce, children feel expected to take sides. They might feel that by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both.

Sad. Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.

Stressed. During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough.

Lonely. Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. In the process they may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn.

Depressed. Depression is not a direct emotional effect of divorce but a “second stage” emotion following on from one or several emotions linked to divorce. Depression is a sign that children have not received the support they need to cope with these emotions.

A divorce can choke both husband and wife physically, emotionally and financially. Before asking for a divorce, you have to sit down and measure your feelings, think about the future, prepare some answers to questions, and decide what you’re prepared to settle for regarding division of property and assets, and if you have any, children visitation rights.

Here’s a 9-point checklist to guide you before asking for a divorce:

1. Respect for your spouse. If you’re planning to ask for a divorce don’t talk about it even with your closest family and friends until you’ve spoken to your spouse about it. If your spouse finds out that everyone else knew, think about the hurt you’re inflicting because he or she was the last to know.

2. Consider your kids. After your spouse, your children should be the next ones to be told about the divorce. Decide with your spouse if you should break the news together or if one of you should do it. Think about all the questions they’re likely to ask (where will we live, do we have to change schools, who is going to our soccer game, what about our summer vacation, etc). They deserve that much.

3. Don’t blame or accuse. If you’re asking for a divorce, it means that you’ve decided to move forward. Don’t make the situation worse by accusing your spouse and making him/her believe that it’s not your fault. Have an intelligent discussion when the divorce actually happens.

4. Communication. If you’ve been unhappy for sometime, it isn’t fair if you don’t say so. Letting your spouse believe that the marriage is going well only to be told suddenly that you want a divorce is out not classy. At times couples get caught up in their own worlds and are not aware they’re hurting each other.

5. Entitlements. Write down your wishes regarding joint property, joint accounts, the kids, and who’ll do the moving out. If you ask for a divorce, make sure you also ask for things you believe you’re entitled to. Sometimes the spouse asking for the divorce feels guilty and tries to appease that guilt by renouncing everything. So take what’s yours and don’t be generous to a fault.

6. Planning. Your decision to ask for a divorce signifies that you’ve made plans for the future. Are you moving out of town? Where will you live if you both decide that you’re the one who has to move out, how will you break the news to your friends and family, and how much money will you need for the next 48 months. As for the children’s expenses, how will you divide the costs?

7. Find a good lawyer. This is one time in your life when you’ll need a lot of expertise. Be honest with your lawyer, don’t hide anything. If you’re asking for a divorce because you’ve fallen in love with someone else, say so. Don’t try to be sneaky about it by saying, If you’ve found someone else, admit it. There’s nothing in the Constitution that says you’re not allowed to fall in love.

8. Friendship. Emphasize to your spouse that his or her friendship is important, if only for the kids’ sake. Show your willingness to remain friends so you can settle post-divorce issues in an amicable manner. Behave like two mature, educated adults. If you have a spouse who is violent or is abusive, seek counseling.

9. Love is lovelier the second time around. We don’t mean falling in love with another person. If you’ve found someone else that you love, good for you. But if you’re asking for a divorce because there are things that you can’t accept in the marriage but you’re still in love with your spouse, take 10 deep breaths and count to 10 before asking for a divorce like we said earlier. Maybe all you need is dialog. Maybe your spouse isn’t aware that the marriage needs a re-tooling. Maybe you’ve sent some signals that you’re not interested in your spouse anymore. Being physically together but separated emotionally is not exactly healthy for the marriage.

“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.” - Aristotle

When people speak where they are angry, they tend to say the wrong things and things that they might regret.

During the process of a divorce, tempers may run high and decision making might become irrational and perhaps even wrong.

During a divorce it is very important to know that your actions, behaviors and decision making will affect your financial, emotional, physical, mental and your family situation for years to come.

To help you avoid some irrational decision making, our divorce counselors have come up with a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” that you can follow that will help you in your divorce process.  

On Emotions

The Do’s

Do perform family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change.

Do get professional help if you need it to cope with your divorce.

Do admit to yourself that you are going through a divorce.

Do try to be as accommodating and co-operative as possible.  This is a stressful time, so keep yourself calm and accommodating. 

Do give yourself time and space to de-stress during this period.  Try not schedule too many things into your schedule during this period, as it will only lead to heightened anxiety. 

Do forgive yourself for mistakes you have made in the past and go on to lead the best life you can.

Do line up your own emotional support cast. Choose friends you can trust.

The Don’ts

Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Most people who go through a divorce and let their emotions over come them tend to make irrational decisions.

Don't leave all your friends behind and become a hermit.

Don't rely on psychiatrists, psychologists or social workers to support you once the divorce case is scheduled for court; they are reluctant witnesses in such a situation.

Don't compare your divorce to another divorce. Each case has its own set of facts.

Don't talk from anger, either before, during or after the trial.

Don't just think about your actions, but also consider the impact they can have in a case.

Don't panic when the court awards your ex-spouse custody of your children

Don't attempt to get married to another person during the divorce. A third party in the mix only confuses things further.

On Legal help

The Do’s

Do consult with a lawyer. It's a good idea, especially if you have children or assets. When looking for an attorney, you should ask people you trust for recommendations. If you intend to hire a lawyer, start putting aside money for your legal costs, so you can pay the upfront retainer fee often required. The lawyer's hourly rate is billed against the retainer. . Attempt to determine what their fees will be. For advice on choosing a good divorce lawyer visit “How to choose a good divorce attorney”.

Do use an experienced matrimonial attorney. Although you may feel like you will save money if you use a cheap lawyer, it could cost you more in the long term by not having proper representation and someone with experience and knowledge of the law looking out for your best interest.

Do keep a tab on your attorney's fees; also estimate your ex’s fees.

Do make copies. Photocopy every important, relevant document from the last three years of your marriage. This includes tax returns, mortgage payments, bank statements, pay stubs, etc – to supply your lawyer or mediator.

Do contact various men's/women’s divorce-reform groups and consider joining these groups; ask their advice on choosing an attorney.

Do learn about the judges who might sit on your case. Ask for a different judge if you are assigned one who seems prejudiced. (This is where the picking of a good divorce lawyer comes in).

Do attend all depositions, court sessions, etc., even if your attorney tells you he/she tell you that there is no need for you to be in court.

The Don’ts

      Don't forget that you, too, have constitutional rights.

      Don't be afraid to ask a potential lawyer for your case any and all questions you want to ask.

      Don't just move out of your home unless you fear physical harm.

Don't be afraid of getting professional help. Some cases do need experts like accountants, appraisers, etc. Thinking you can do these things on your own can be counterproductive.

Don't share a lawyer with your spouse.

Don't make revenge the goal of the divorce.

Don’t discuss any proposed settlement with your spouse and his/ her lawyer unless your lawyer is present.

Don’t be sloppy with your wills, insurance and trusts; make sure the beneficiaries are who you want them to be.

Don’t sign any decree or settlement until you understand every word.

On Finance

The Do’s

Do make copies. Photocopy every important, important document from the last three or four years of your marriage. This includes tax returns, mortgage payments, bank statements, pay stubs, stock certificates and bonds. More than likely your lawyer or mediator will need these documents.

Do close all of your joint accounts and cancel your joint credit cards. If your credit card accounts are in both you and your spouse's names, and they remain open, you are still responsible for any charges made by your spouse. If charges go unpaid, they can end up on your credit report.

Do get credit cards and accounts in your own name to build your own credit.

Do make sure your spouse cannot obtain your business and personal financial records. If you keep that information at home, remove it to a more secure location.

Do try for a reasonable out-of-court settlement if possible.

Do make sure you have insurance coverage. Medical insurance coverage can end in divorce. If you are on your spouses’ insurance plan, you should be able to continue coverage for up to 36 months under the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act (COBRA). Under this plan you pay the premiums, which may be expensive.

Do compile a list of your asset inventory. This will better clarify what exactly needs to be divided. You should write down everything you know about your assets and debts, and record the persons who can be witnesses.

Do think about your taxes.

Do choose your assets wisely. When staking a claim in assets, remember that choosing the wrong assets may end up costing you money, instead of making you money.

The Don’ts

Don’t change the property settlement agreement by an oral agreement. All changes that are made to a property settlement agreement must be in writing, signed by both parties.

Don’t make big plans to take a job in another state or move out of the country until your divorce is final. Your new life could interfere with getting your divorce finalized.

Don’t "give away" property to friends or relatives and arrange to get it back later.  Hiding property can mean your spouse can take you back to court to settle those assets.

On Children

The Do’s

Do know your spouse is entitled to know where the children are during visitations. Your spouse should also know if the children are left with other people such as babysitters or friends when the other parent is not there unless stipulated by the court.

Do let your spouse know when and where you will spend time with your kids while you work out permanent custody arrangements. 

Do try to agree with your spouse on your children’s religion and education, as well as who is responsible for overseeing it

Do pay child support on time. There are legal ramifications if you don’t, when supporting your children, the money goes towards the rent/mortgage, food, clothes, utilities and other necessities.

Do show respect towards your spouse in front of the children. If you can't do that then do not say anything at all. It will only come back to haunt you as well as send the wrong message to the children.

Do make the children feel that your new home is also their home. This should include whatever chores they were responsible for at your prior home they should also be responsible for at your new home.

Do keep accurate records of child support, alimony, or other property settlement payment(s). In the event that there is a dispute as to whether or not you have made payments, accurate records are important for proof of payment.

Do provide assurance to your children that they will be cared for and will have a secure and stable future.

Do be sure that your children understand that both his/her parents still love him/her and that he/she has your full permission to continue to love your former partner.

Do reassure your children that their loved ones (e.g. your and your ex-spouse’s family members) are worthy of their love, and vice versa.

Do provide good examples of mature relations with your former partner, so that you and your former partner create strong exemplary foundations in your children’s future relationships.

Do listen to your children when they want to talk to you about the divorce and how it affects their feelings. If your child has a hard time talking about their feelings in the divorce they can write what they are feeling in the Childs blog section.

Do hold your kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior.

The Don’ts

Don’t use the children as messengers. This puts them right in the middle of what is essentially a mater between you and your former spouse. Not only are you jeopardizing their love and affection you are also banking on the child to get the message to your spouse correctly and in the manner you meant it.

Don’t talk negatively about the other parent.

Don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. It creates confusion and it’s frustrating for kids.

Don’t share all your fear, anxiety, anger resentment or grief with your children.

Don’t stop the children from seeing your (ex) spouse during their scheduled visitation time because he/she owes you money.

Don’t put your children in the middle of your divorce. The divorce is between you and your spouse. The children are innocent victims. You will always be their parents.

Don’t push kids to talk about the divorce if they don’t want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.

Don’t ever put your spouse down in front of the children. Do not allow others to criticize your former partner in the presence of, or in earshot of your children.

Don’t tell your children that they will be able to choose whom they are going to live with. If your child is a teenager then discuss the issue of custody together with him/her, your lawyer, and former partner.

Don’t be afraid to socialize; you are not a leper; you are simply a divorcee.

Don’t call your visitation with your children "Your time" and have everything based around your schedule. Remember that the kids do have social life, they have sports, birthday parties, clubs and their own friends. It is important that their social life remain stable. They are not the ones who are divorcing, you and your soon to be ex are.

Don't take your children with you if you leave home unless you are absolutely sure you know what you are doing and what effect it will have on them.

Don’t get greedy. It doesn't matter if you wanted the divorce or your spouse did. Just because you're hurt and your emotions are running high, does not mean that you are entitled to more than the law allows. This attitude will cost you unnecessary attorney fees and the judicial system doesn't care about your personal feelings.

Don’t use your children as a therapist. They are not equipped to handle the emotional strain being placed on them. If you have the need to vent or talk about your divorce with other people going through a divorce you can write in the Divorce blog section.

Don’t make your children feel like a "guest" in your new home.

Don’t question the children regarding the activities of your former partner. Do not use your children to spy on your former partner, (this includes asking who your former partner is dating, or what activities he/she is involved in).

Don’t rehash the things that have happened in the past, you can't go back and change what has happened.

Don’t tell your children horror stories about your ex-spouse: there is no need to make them trek through the muck too

If there is a restraining order in your case, do not contact your ex-spouse without the restraining order being dismissed. Even if your ex-spouse initiates the communication or invites you over, you could still be arrested for violating the restraining order. Any type of communication is a violation of the restraining order including e-mails, letters, faxes or voice mail messages. Do not rely on your ex-spouse's insistence that s restraining order has been dismissed. You need to verify with the Clerk of the Family Court that the restraining order has been dismissed.