A divorce can choke both husband and wife physically, emotionally and financially. Before asking for a divorce, you have to sit down and measure your feelings, think about the future, prepare some answers to questions, and decide what you’re prepared to settle for regarding division of property and assets, and if you have any, children visitation rights.

Here’s a 9-point checklist to guide you before asking for a divorce:

1. Respect for your spouse. If you’re planning to ask for a divorce don’t talk about it even with your closest family and friends until you’ve spoken to your spouse about it. If your spouse finds out that everyone else knew, think about the hurt you’re inflicting because he or she was the last to know.

2. Consider your kids. After your spouse, your children should be the next ones to be told about the divorce. Decide with your spouse if you should break the news together or if one of you should do it. Think about all the questions they’re likely to ask (where will we live, do we have to change schools, who is going to our soccer game, what about our summer vacation, etc). They deserve that much.

3. Don’t blame or accuse. If you’re asking for a divorce, it means that you’ve decided to move forward. Don’t make the situation worse by accusing your spouse and making him/her believe that it’s not your fault. Have an intelligent discussion when the divorce actually happens.

4. Communication. If you’ve been unhappy for sometime, it isn’t fair if you don’t say so. Letting your spouse believe that the marriage is going well only to be told suddenly that you want a divorce is out not classy. At times couples get caught up in their own worlds and are not aware they’re hurting each other.

5. Entitlements. Write down your wishes regarding joint property, joint accounts, the kids, and who’ll do the moving out. If you ask for a divorce, make sure you also ask for things you believe you’re entitled to. Sometimes the spouse asking for the divorce feels guilty and tries to appease that guilt by renouncing everything. So take what’s yours and don’t be generous to a fault.

6. Planning. Your decision to ask for a divorce signifies that you’ve made plans for the future. Are you moving out of town? Where will you live if you both decide that you’re the one who has to move out, how will you break the news to your friends and family, and how much money will you need for the next 48 months. As for the children’s expenses, how will you divide the costs?

7. Find a good lawyer. This is one time in your life when you’ll need a lot of expertise. Be honest with your lawyer, don’t hide anything. If you’re asking for a divorce because you’ve fallen in love with someone else, say so. Don’t try to be sneaky about it by saying, If you’ve found someone else, admit it. There’s nothing in the Constitution that says you’re not allowed to fall in love.

8. Friendship. Emphasize to your spouse that his or her friendship is important, if only for the kids’ sake. Show your willingness to remain friends so you can settle post-divorce issues in an amicable manner. Behave like two mature, educated adults. If you have a spouse who is violent or is abusive, seek counseling.

9. Love is lovelier the second time around. We don’t mean falling in love with another person. If you’ve found someone else that you love, good for you. But if you’re asking for a divorce because there are things that you can’t accept in the marriage but you’re still in love with your spouse, take 10 deep breaths and count to 10 before asking for a divorce like we said earlier. Maybe all you need is dialog. Maybe your spouse isn’t aware that the marriage needs a re-tooling. Maybe you’ve sent some signals that you’re not interested in your spouse anymore. Being physically together but separated emotionally is not exactly healthy for the marriage.

“Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.” - Aristotle

When people speak where they are angry, they tend to say the wrong things and things that they might regret.