The costs of getting a divorce are staggering and can cripple you financially. It could be years before you get back on your feet.
When we think of the cost of divorce, the financial picture can look as ugly as the divorce itself. But it’s not just the money that is the issue. There’s another kind of cost that is equally staggering and devastating.
That cost is the emotional cost and the toll on individuals who divorce. No wonder many of them come out of a divorce 100% different. Their sentiments and attitudes have taken a 360 degree turn so when they finally leave the courtroom or their lawyer’s offices, they can’t begin to comprehend what truly hit them.
Cost of Divorce
The Emotional Aspect:
Going through a divorce can drastically transform you. Focusing on the divorce itself tends to make us overlook the few years leading up to the divorce. Your emotions may be in a state of exhaustion and confusion. You’ve tried your best not to go through the divorce, consulted with marriage counselors, but to no avail. At the point you need to conserve the little emotions that you have, because sadly, it’s all you’ve got to try to build on from scratch. Staying in the marriage will only deprive you of that tiny, tiny chance at finding happiness again.
Children are also affected emotionally.
It is important that parents have a clear idea of what exactly the psychological effects of divorce on their children may be. They can then make a sound decision about divorce and work throughout divorce to minimize or avoid them altogether.
Before looking at the emotional effects of divorce on children, remember:
- They are potential effects
- Some apply to certain age groups more than others.
- The likelihood and extent of these emotional effects depends on a number of factors, almost all of which are within your control.
So what are the emotional effects of divorce on children? Children may experience a wide range of emotions, some of which may be new and therefore doubly distressing.
Insecure and afraid of the future. The many and often unavoidable changes that accompany divorce can undermine a child’s sense of security and make them fearful of the future – about “what’s next?” Will we be poor, will we have enough to eat, will I have to go to a new school, will I lose my pet rabbit, will I still see my friends? In short, they will fret about all the things that are important in their world.
Rejected. Children of divorce may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who has left. This makes little sense until we remember that children perceive themselves as the center of the universe. Therefore, everything that happens must have something to do with them.
At fault. For the same reason, children may believe the divorce is their fault, caused by something they said or did, or just the way they are, and feel a deep sense of guilt and shame. Even difficult teens may be afraid that their behavior has contributed to the divorce and made it easier for a parent to leave.
Powerless. Children who feel responsible for problems between parents tend to believe they can also fix things. They may go to great lengths to be a “better child” – a more helpful and appealing child – or believe they have the power to “wish” their parents back together again. When this doesn’t happen – when their often elaborate plans and hopes for reconciliation fail – children feel powerless and upset that they cannot make a difference.
Torn in two. The most damaging effect of divorce on children is the emotional trauma caused by parents who fight or belittle each other in front of their children. Children feel expected to take sides but cannot do this without being disloyal to the other parent. However, by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both. They are trapped in a no-win situation where it is “wrong” to love both parents.
Sad. Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, believing that the absent parent has gone forever and that they no longer have a family – a way of life is at an end. Their feelings mirror those of children who really have lost a parent forever, to accident or illness. However, they are often underestimated or overlooked so that children of divorce do not receive the same kind of support. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.
Stressed. During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough. For instance, they may volunteer to take on extra duties at home or be burdened with extra responsibilities like it or not. They may also be used as a confidante and advisor by one or both parents, a role that even teens are not qualified for or comfortable with. Eager to help out and seem “grown up,” they may hide how stressed they really are.
Lonely. Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. The parent at home may be so wrapped up in their own problems that they are not available to their children. Circumstances may have cut them off from their usual playmates. Children may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn.
Angry. Anger is a common emotional effect of divorce caused by lack of understanding or acceptance of the divorce, specific events and changes, emotions that children are not equipped to manage or express, and so on. Children do not always show their anger. It is more common when divorce brings a low-conflict marriage to an end because the reasons for the divorce are not so obvious. Children resent their parents for doing something that in their view is unnecessary.
Depressed. Depression is not a direct emotional effect of divorce but a “second stage” emotion following on from one or several emotions linked to divorce. For instance, sadness, loneliness, feeling rejected. Depression is a sign that children have not received the support they need to cope with these emotions.
The Financial Aspect:
Before you file your divorce, talk to people who have filed for divorce in the past. Talk to family members and friends. Look on our forum and talk to other people on our blogs, and find out how much their divorce set them back financially. When they tell you the numbers, you may want to re-consider.
If you are absolutely sure that you want to divorce, the cheapest way is the do-it-yourself. This may not always be the best option for you especially if property and children are involved. And if you haven’t done any homework, there’s a chance you could end up loosing a lot in your divorce. If your spouse is more knowledgeable than you about issues such as alimony, child support and division of marital assets, you might not be getting your just part of the bargain.
Collaborative divorce is another alternative. This is the where your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer try to finalize the divorce.
On the topic of monetary costs we shall start with the legal fee involved.
Lawyers charge on an hourly basis, on a retainer basis or per package. Keep in mind that if you choose to pay on retainer basis, a written retainer agreement must be drawn up.
CAUTION: If the retainer agreement stipulates surrendering title to your house or substantial cash assets for failure to pay legal fees, do NOT sign the retainer agreement! In other words, don’t give up anything you CAN’T afford to lose.
The other costs you might need to consider may include the following:
Your properties: the properties and assets acquired during the marriage may now only represent 50% of their original value to you. If the divorce agreement calls for a 50-50 split, you automatically lose 50% of the total value.
Personal effects like furniture, clothes, knick knacks, collectibles and cars are usually evaluated on a “garage sale” basis, so you and your spouse can agree who gets what.
Something else to know is that usually the spouse with primary custody usually stays in the house with the children; or if the house is no longer affordable to either spouse, you can both decide to sell it and split the proceeds equally.
Depending on who gets to keep the house, the following might have to be included into the cost equation:
- Mortgage and interest payments
- Maintenance costs
- School and water taxes
- Property taxes
- Insurance
You may also want to ask your lawyer how each spouse’s retirement plans, 401(k) plans and other pension benefits and plans should be divided.
Children’s expenses: tuition, medical and health bills, recreational activities, baby sitters, special care, vacations and other expenses.
Children are also affected emotionally.
It is crucial that parents have a clear idea of what psychological effects the divorce can have on their children. This will help reduce the effects or even avoid the effects your divorce can have on your children
Before looking at the emotional effects of divorce on children, remember:
- They are potential effects
- The extent of these emotional effects depends on different factors
- Some apply to certain age groups more than others.
Insecure and afraid of the future. During a divorce, a child’s sense of security can be undermined and that child can be fearful of the future. They do not know what the future might hold for them, they might wonder what they will loose i.e. friends, relatives etc.
Fear of being abandoned. Children may be deeply afraid that the other parent is going to “disappear” too and leave them alone in the world.
Rejected. Children witnessing the divorce of their parents may feel rejected and unloved by the parent who has left.
At fault. Depending on the age of the child, the child might think that the divorce is their fault.
Torn in two. During a divorce, children feel expected to take sides. They might feel that by not taking sides they fear disapproval and rejection by both.
Sad. Children of divorce may feel a huge sense of loss and sadness. Unmanaged they can deepen into depression.
Stressed. During divorce, children may feel stressed and under pressure to do more than they can realistically cope with at a time that is already stressful enough.
Lonely. Children of divorce may feel lonely. They may miss the intimacy, comfort and particular parenting skills of the absent parent. In the process they may seek intimacy and comfort elsewhere, or become withdrawn.
Depressed. Depression is not a direct emotional effect of divorce but a “second stage” emotion following on from one or several emotions linked to divorce. Depression is a sign that children have not received the support they need to cope with these emotions.
