During the process of a divorce, tempers may run high and decision making might become irrational and perhaps even wrong.

During a divorce it is very important to know that your actions, behaviors and decision making will affect your financial, emotional, physical, mental and your family situation for years to come.

To help you avoid some irrational decision making, our divorce counselors have come up with a list of “Do’s and Don’ts” that you can follow that will help you in your divorce process.  

On Emotions

The Do’s

Do perform family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change.

Do get professional help if you need it to cope with your divorce.

Do admit to yourself that you are going through a divorce.

Do try to be as accommodating and co-operative as possible.  This is a stressful time, so keep yourself calm and accommodating. 

Do give yourself time and space to de-stress during this period.  Try not schedule too many things into your schedule during this period, as it will only lead to heightened anxiety. 

Do forgive yourself for mistakes you have made in the past and go on to lead the best life you can.

Do line up your own emotional support cast. Choose friends you can trust.

The Don’ts

Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Most people who go through a divorce and let their emotions over come them tend to make irrational decisions.

Don't leave all your friends behind and become a hermit.

Don't rely on psychiatrists, psychologists or social workers to support you once the divorce case is scheduled for court; they are reluctant witnesses in such a situation.

Don't compare your divorce to another divorce. Each case has its own set of facts.

Don't talk from anger, either before, during or after the trial.

Don't just think about your actions, but also consider the impact they can have in a case.

Don't panic when the court awards your ex-spouse custody of your children

Don't attempt to get married to another person during the divorce. A third party in the mix only confuses things further.

On Legal help

The Do’s

Do consult with a lawyer. It's a good idea, especially if you have children or assets. When looking for an attorney, you should ask people you trust for recommendations. If you intend to hire a lawyer, start putting aside money for your legal costs, so you can pay the upfront retainer fee often required. The lawyer's hourly rate is billed against the retainer. . Attempt to determine what their fees will be. For advice on choosing a good divorce lawyer visit “How to choose a good divorce attorney”.

Do use an experienced matrimonial attorney. Although you may feel like you will save money if you use a cheap lawyer, it could cost you more in the long term by not having proper representation and someone with experience and knowledge of the law looking out for your best interest.

Do keep a tab on your attorney's fees; also estimate your ex’s fees.

Do make copies. Photocopy every important, relevant document from the last three years of your marriage. This includes tax returns, mortgage payments, bank statements, pay stubs, etc – to supply your lawyer or mediator.

Do contact various men's/women’s divorce-reform groups and consider joining these groups; ask their advice on choosing an attorney.

Do learn about the judges who might sit on your case. Ask for a different judge if you are assigned one who seems prejudiced. (This is where the picking of a good divorce lawyer comes in).

Do attend all depositions, court sessions, etc., even if your attorney tells you he/she tell you that there is no need for you to be in court.

The Don’ts

      Don't forget that you, too, have constitutional rights.

      Don't be afraid to ask a potential lawyer for your case any and all questions you want to ask.

      Don't just move out of your home unless you fear physical harm.

Don't be afraid of getting professional help. Some cases do need experts like accountants, appraisers, etc. Thinking you can do these things on your own can be counterproductive.

Don't share a lawyer with your spouse.

Don't make revenge the goal of the divorce.

Don’t discuss any proposed settlement with your spouse and his/ her lawyer unless your lawyer is present.

Don’t be sloppy with your wills, insurance and trusts; make sure the beneficiaries are who you want them to be.

Don’t sign any decree or settlement until you understand every word.

On Finance

The Do’s

Do make copies. Photocopy every important, important document from the last three or four years of your marriage. This includes tax returns, mortgage payments, bank statements, pay stubs, stock certificates and bonds. More than likely your lawyer or mediator will need these documents.

Do close all of your joint accounts and cancel your joint credit cards. If your credit card accounts are in both you and your spouse's names, and they remain open, you are still responsible for any charges made by your spouse. If charges go unpaid, they can end up on your credit report.

Do get credit cards and accounts in your own name to build your own credit.

Do make sure your spouse cannot obtain your business and personal financial records. If you keep that information at home, remove it to a more secure location.

Do try for a reasonable out-of-court settlement if possible.

Do make sure you have insurance coverage. Medical insurance coverage can end in divorce. If you are on your spouses’ insurance plan, you should be able to continue coverage for up to 36 months under the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act (COBRA). Under this plan you pay the premiums, which may be expensive.

Do compile a list of your asset inventory. This will better clarify what exactly needs to be divided. You should write down everything you know about your assets and debts, and record the persons who can be witnesses.

Do think about your taxes.

Do choose your assets wisely. When staking a claim in assets, remember that choosing the wrong assets may end up costing you money, instead of making you money.

The Don’ts

Don’t change the property settlement agreement by an oral agreement. All changes that are made to a property settlement agreement must be in writing, signed by both parties.

Don’t make big plans to take a job in another state or move out of the country until your divorce is final. Your new life could interfere with getting your divorce finalized.

Don’t "give away" property to friends or relatives and arrange to get it back later.  Hiding property can mean your spouse can take you back to court to settle those assets.

On Children

The Do’s

Do know your spouse is entitled to know where the children are during visitations. Your spouse should also know if the children are left with other people such as babysitters or friends when the other parent is not there unless stipulated by the court.

Do let your spouse know when and where you will spend time with your kids while you work out permanent custody arrangements. 

Do try to agree with your spouse on your children’s religion and education, as well as who is responsible for overseeing it

Do pay child support on time. There are legal ramifications if you don’t, when supporting your children, the money goes towards the rent/mortgage, food, clothes, utilities and other necessities.

Do show respect towards your spouse in front of the children. If you can't do that then do not say anything at all. It will only come back to haunt you as well as send the wrong message to the children.

Do make the children feel that your new home is also their home. This should include whatever chores they were responsible for at your prior home they should also be responsible for at your new home.

Do keep accurate records of child support, alimony, or other property settlement payment(s). In the event that there is a dispute as to whether or not you have made payments, accurate records are important for proof of payment.

Do provide assurance to your children that they will be cared for and will have a secure and stable future.

Do be sure that your children understand that both his/her parents still love him/her and that he/she has your full permission to continue to love your former partner.

Do reassure your children that their loved ones (e.g. your and your ex-spouse’s family members) are worthy of their love, and vice versa.

Do provide good examples of mature relations with your former partner, so that you and your former partner create strong exemplary foundations in your children’s future relationships.

Do listen to your children when they want to talk to you about the divorce and how it affects their feelings. If your child has a hard time talking about their feelings in the divorce they can write what they are feeling in the Childs blog section.

Do hold your kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior.

The Don’ts

Don’t use the children as messengers. This puts them right in the middle of what is essentially a mater between you and your former spouse. Not only are you jeopardizing their love and affection you are also banking on the child to get the message to your spouse correctly and in the manner you meant it.

Don’t talk negatively about the other parent.

Don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. It creates confusion and it’s frustrating for kids.

Don’t share all your fear, anxiety, anger resentment or grief with your children.

Don’t stop the children from seeing your (ex) spouse during their scheduled visitation time because he/she owes you money.

Don’t put your children in the middle of your divorce. The divorce is between you and your spouse. The children are innocent victims. You will always be their parents.

Don’t push kids to talk about the divorce if they don’t want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.

Don’t ever put your spouse down in front of the children. Do not allow others to criticize your former partner in the presence of, or in earshot of your children.

Don’t tell your children that they will be able to choose whom they are going to live with. If your child is a teenager then discuss the issue of custody together with him/her, your lawyer, and former partner.

Don’t be afraid to socialize; you are not a leper; you are simply a divorcee.

Don’t call your visitation with your children "Your time" and have everything based around your schedule. Remember that the kids do have social life, they have sports, birthday parties, clubs and their own friends. It is important that their social life remain stable. They are not the ones who are divorcing, you and your soon to be ex are.

Don't take your children with you if you leave home unless you are absolutely sure you know what you are doing and what effect it will have on them.

Don’t get greedy. It doesn't matter if you wanted the divorce or your spouse did. Just because you're hurt and your emotions are running high, does not mean that you are entitled to more than the law allows. This attitude will cost you unnecessary attorney fees and the judicial system doesn't care about your personal feelings.

Don’t use your children as a therapist. They are not equipped to handle the emotional strain being placed on them. If you have the need to vent or talk about your divorce with other people going through a divorce you can write in the Divorce blog section.

Don’t make your children feel like a "guest" in your new home.

Don’t question the children regarding the activities of your former partner. Do not use your children to spy on your former partner, (this includes asking who your former partner is dating, or what activities he/she is involved in).

Don’t rehash the things that have happened in the past, you can't go back and change what has happened.

Don’t tell your children horror stories about your ex-spouse: there is no need to make them trek through the muck too

If there is a restraining order in your case, do not contact your ex-spouse without the restraining order being dismissed. Even if your ex-spouse initiates the communication or invites you over, you could still be arrested for violating the restraining order. Any type of communication is a violation of the restraining order including e-mails, letters, faxes or voice mail messages. Do not rely on your ex-spouse's insistence that s restraining order has been dismissed. You need to verify with the Clerk of the Family Court that the restraining order has been dismissed.